Earl's Thanksgiving Dinner

Earl told Bubba that he was going to cook the Thanksgiving dinner this year instead of going to the Reverend Baker’s church.

“Now, Bubba, Ah loves them church ladies and don’ ya go tellin’ ‘em anythin’ different, ya hear? Ah jus’ wanna do the turkey mah own self”.

“Earl, Ah gotta tell ya somethin’. Ya can’ cook worth nuthin’”, Bubba said.

“Well, Ahm a gonna deep-fry us one a them thar turkeys. Ah figgers, when it turn real brown, it be done. Ah wanna do et”, Earl said.

“Okay, Earl, you do et. Ah’ll et et”, Bubba responded. He didn’t want to hurt Earl’s feeling even though he knew this was going to turn out badly.

Earl went to the local supermarket and looked at the turkeys. He picked up a large one and asked a clerk how much it was. The clerk pointed to the sticker and started to say something but the look Earl gave changed his mind. He told Earl the price.

“Huh? Ah ain’t payin’ thet much fer no danged store bought bird. Ah’ll go gets mah own”.

Earl went out hunting and did get his bird. He plucked all the feathers out and got the oil bubbling in an iron pot out behind the trailer. He mixed up some crackers and stale bread he got from a dumpster. He looked at where he was supposed to stuff it and said to himself, “How Ah supposed to git this here stufin’ in thet tiny little ole hole. Reckon Ah could cut it a mite bigger but then the innards ud come out. Thet be a waste of good eatin’ Guess Ah just have to force et in thar”.

Earl invited Mary Jo and Lottie to the dinner. Mary Jo said yes because she had a thing for Bubba. Lottie said yes because she had a thing for beer. In fact, she’d had a lot of beer before she got there. That’s why she didn’t notice the smell. Bubba did. He thought the sewer line had broken again. He felt embarrassed. Mary Jo thought an entire pack of rats had died very nearby. Earl didn’t smell anythin’. Finally Mary Jo figured out that the smell was coming from the pot.

“Earl, thet pot smells somethin’ fierce”, she said.

“Huh? I don’ smell nuthin’. It be ready so lets gets to eatin’”

Mary Jo took a bite and spit it right back out. Bubba took a bite and gagged. Lottie took a bite and chewed it up and took another bite. Earl took a bite and decided he’d made a mistake.

Bubba looked over at Earl and said, “Earl, this here be the worsted turkey Ah ever et”.

Earl looked at Bubba and then at Mary Jo and finally at Lottie, who was gobbling the bird down.

“Uh, et ain’t no turkey. The store wanted too much fer a turkey so’s Ah went out ta git one a my own. Thing is, Ah couldn’t find one so Ah shot me a buzzard”.