Earl's Run In With The Law

Earl was roaring down Rt.18 in his truck. He didn’t know how fast he was going since the speedometer didn’t work. A lot of things didn’t work on his truck. Earl didn’t fix anything he didn’t have to and then, he only fixed it as good as he had too. The wiper on the passenger side didn’t have a blade; the window on that side wouldn’t open unless he hit a bump and then wouldn’t close unless he took a pair of pliers and pulled it up. He fixed the rip in his seat with duct tape. He only did that because a couple of the women he went out with said they didn’t want to get the seat filling on their clothes.

Bubba told Earl, “Thet’s funah, real funah. Any gal’d go aht wicha ya en the firs’ place and ud ride en thet truck en the secon’ place wouldna much care ‘bout ‘er clothes much en the third place”.

Earl didn’t know if Bubba was insulting him, the women he went out with or his truck. It was all three, of course.

State Police trooper Robert E. Lee was sitting on the side of the road when Earl went roaring by, clanking and clattering. Lee immediately pulled out onto RT.18, flipped on the red lights and the siren. He didn’t need to use the siren, he wanted to. Lee thought it was more authoritative and authority was what it was what it was all about. Lee loved this job.

Earl happened to glance back and see the flashing lights. He couldn’t hear the siren because his muffler was mostly not there. He looked up the road and didn’t see anyone else. He wondered who the trooper was after. Earl pulled over to the side of the road to give the trooper more space to get around him. Earl was surprised to see the trooper pull over right behind Earl’s truck. Earl knew he hadn’t done anything that he didn’t always do.

Earl watched as Lee got out of the police car. He watched him as Lee shifted his gun belt, adjusted his hat, adjusted his sunglasses and adjusted his gunbelt again. Earl watched as Trooper Lee approached the truck. Lee did it as slowly as he could. He liked to prolong the drama as long as he could. Lee loved this job.

“Suh, ya got any id?”, Lee asked Earl.

“Bout whet?”, Earl asked him.

“Look heah, Ah ain’t got time fur no tomfoolery, ya heah? Ah want ta see yer drivah’s license and Ah wanna see et raht now, boy”, Lee told Earl.

Earl got out his wallet and looked through it. No license. He told Lee it must be in the glove compartment. Lee told Earl to look in there but don’t make any sudden moves. Lee then rested his hand on his gun butt.

Earl opened the glove compartment. A bunch of stuff fell out, including a pint of Kessler’s he and Bubba sipped from.

“Wahl, wahl, wahl. Looky whet we have heah. Ah alredah gots ya fer speedin’ and, probably, no license. Now, Ahs reallah got ya. A open bottle of likker. Ah a gonna write yah up fer thet too. Since ya ain’t got no license to drive, ya gonna have ta git one a yer buddahs to come on aht an git et. Whiles ya gone doin’ thet, Ah gonna have this heah truck towed on in for illegal pahking. This jus’ ain’t yer day, boy”.

At this, Bubba popped his head over the side of the truck. He’d been sleeping in the bed of the truck. All the noise finally got through to him. He looked at the trooper real hard.

“Bobby Ed, thet you? Gawd Almigtah, Ah haven’t seen ya none since school. As Ah recalls et, Ah used ta whump yer butt evah day. ‘Member thet? Sure ya does. Wahl, Ah can tell ya thet Earl heah gots a license ‘cause Ah took ‘em ta git et raynewed mah own self. As fer thet likker, ya bes’ leave thet be. Thet’s mah likker ‘an ya know how Ah am ‘bout thet. Fac’ a the mattah is, ya should oughtta jus’ mosey on ‘bout yer business an’ leave us be. Ah’m startin’ ta git a mite cranky”.

Lee looked at Bubba and remembered all the butt kicking Bubba gave him. Now, Lee was a policeman, a State Police officer. He also had a gun. He remembered Bubba real well. He loved this job.

After Lee left, Earl said to Bubba, “Bubba, ya know Ah dun flunked thet thar eye test. Ah ain’t got no license no how”.

Bubba replied, “So? Ah never did say ya did. Ah sayed wuz Ah took ya ta git et. Ya know sumpin’, Earl? Thet Booby Ed ain’t nevah changed none no how. He was a dummy an afeared then an’ he still be”.