Bubba and Earl Go To Washington

Bubba and Earl were in Washington for the first time. They were bewildered at what they were seeing. Truly bewildered.

“Bubba”, Earl said. “this here bein’ the nation’s capitail and all, it sure be jus’ downright cruddy lookin’ ”.

“Earl, regalrlike Ah don’ pay no mind to whet ya says but this time you is right. This is jus’ downraht cruddy”.

They made their way to Congressman Robert “Bobby Boy” Allison’s office. They were impressed by the office. It was “done up right” is how Bubba put it. So was the secretary, real right. They were real impressed by her too. She said the Congressman would be only too happy to meet two of his constituents.

“Howdy, boys, glad to meet you”, Allison told them, like he meant it.

“Wha, that’s right nice of ya considerin’ Ah didint even vote fur ya”, Earl told him. Bubba elbowed him to shush him.

“Whet ya go and do thet fur? Heck almighty, Bubba, ya said ya wouln’ vote for no lowdown, sneakin’ thief luk him no durn way”, Earl went on.

Allison asked them what he could do for them. Time was short, as short as his secretary’s skirt.

“Wahl, suh, it be this a way. The guvament gone an’ done decided to dam up the Snakehole River to make a lake. Me ‘n Ear’ here, we lives in thet valley. We don’ want no lake ovah ahr hads.”

“Yes, I see. Well, the U.S. Constitution guarantees that the government has to compensate you for any seizure of property under the Eminent Domain clause”, the Congressman explained.

“Huh?”, Earl asked.

“Huh?”, Bubba added.

“What it means is that when the government takes land for the public good, they have to buy your property at a fair value. In fact, the government will usually give you more than the value”, the Congressman explained while his secretary rolled her eyes. She also rolled her body causing the Congressman to lose his train of thought. Not lose it so much as change it.

“Wahl, ya see, thet’s goin’ ta be a probablem seein’ as how me ‘n Earl don’ zaxly “own” our property. We jus’, wahl, sort a put our trailer in a open spot”, Bubba told the Congressman while watching the secretary bend over to open the file cabinet. Bubba almost had a heart attack. Earl had to wipe the slobber off with his sleeve.

“You mean, you’re squatters”, the Congressman said to them while avoiding looking at his secretary.

“Wahl, I reckon ya could say that iffen ya want”, Earl said.

“Well, boys, I can’t do anything for you, really. First off, you don’t live in my district. Secondly, you can’t, and wouldn’t, vote for me. Third, and most importantly, I’m very busy. I have to, ah, give some, umm, dictation to my secretary.”