There's something odd about people leaving the beach when it starts to rain.

"Quickly, kids, run for the car before you get all wet!!!", Mama yells.

The kids look at her like she's nuts. They're already wet.

There you are walking along the beach looking for shells. Everyone knows you're a tourist. The natives never do that. They buy their shells at the shell store. So you find one that's nice and white and pick it up. Then you find out it's not a shell at all. It's a dab of bird caca. The birds start screeching at you. It's a bird prank.

Don't even think of scaling a real shell at them. They have you outnumbered and outgunned, so to speak.

Never walk on the dunes. It's worse than being a Yankee in Atlanta. If you walk on a dune you will be killed instantly. No arrest, no trial, just killed. The reason is that the dune flowers are real fragile. These are the same dune flowers that survive hurricanes. Somehow the locals have decided they can't survive being stepped on.

The signs at the end of the beach access are very important. "Swim at your own risk. No lifeguard on duty; heavy undertow; sharks known to be in the area; people pee in the ocean. Have a nice time!"

Beach cops are a different breed. They're all former surfers. They look silly wearing shorts and a gun. It's hard to take them seriously. Even while they're talking to you they're eyeing the girls up. They ride little tractors. When giving chase on one of those they can catch you if you're an eighty year old quadriplegic.

The girls are odd too at times. They waltz down to the water wearing next to nothing. They swing everything they have in every direction and then wonder why you're looking at them. Hint: I'm not dead. Another hint: I will be if the wife sees me looking.

The guys are no better. They walk around sucking their gut in so hard they pass gas the whole time. Then they wonder why the girls keep their distance. Occasionally one of them lights a smoke and blows himself up. The girls get a kick out of that.

"Hey, that was great! Do it again but not so close."