Big controversy here in the Holy City of the South. The city wants to close all the bars at two a.m. and the bars want to stay open until three as state law says.

Seems some of the patrons are carousing loudly, puking on the streets, and urinating in folk's yards. The people living there are upset. They can't sleep, they have a bad aroma in the air and the grass is dying off.

"What's the sense of having the money to live downtown if this happens. Heck, I could get this in a trailer park a lot cheaper", one resident complained.

The drunks oppose them. They say they aren't the ones doing it.

Huh? They aren't? Someone sober is yelling to a friend, who happens to be lying on the sidewalk right in front of him? Like the guy, or gal, can't hear him if he talks normally? That's what we are supposed to believe?

One unidentified man said, "Where am I suppose to puke then?"

Well, gee, ever heard of your hat?

Most of them said the peeing in the yards is just a case of, "if you gotta go, ya gotta go, man."

The city wants to put a stop to this by closing the bars at two. No one would do these things before two, now would they? The idea of putting police out on the streets to arrest people and send a message was considered. It was rejected because, you know, it's dark at three.

The State Liquor Control Board says it's divided on the issue. They see the city's point and would like a cleaner, fresher smelling city. On the other hand, they want the extra revenue too. As one Board member responded, "Well, I don't live there. The smell doesn't bother me."

The issue is now before the State Supreme Court which is split with four teetotalers, four drunks and one "social drinker".