A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" the lawyer yelled the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!"

Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."

The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"