There are lots of ways to know you're dead. When a guy in whites pulls a sheet over your head, you're dead. When they do an autopsy and you don't feel it, you're dead. When people walk by and say how good you look, considering how mangled you got, you're dead.

When you wreck your car and the cops say they need a shovel, you're dead. When they say they've found some more pieces over here, you're dead. When the EMT's ask where the rest of you is, you're dead. When they zip you in the bag, you're dead. If you're not, you will be after you suffocate.

What if you're not sure? There you are floating around the operating room. Are you dead and having an out of body experience or are you just drunk? Did you, maybe, miss a couple of pills?

Maybe people are mad at you and snubbing you. You could be dead or you could be getting the cold shoulder for what you did at your nephews wedding reception. Do you normally wear a bra as a hat? Did you really ask the bride what she was doing later? An ugly bride?

Perhaps you've had a breakdown and only think you're dead. Do people talk to you just as if you're alive? Do they sometimes wrap you in a jacket and toss you in a rubber room? You're not dead, you're insane. That's not the same as being dead but it's close. Either way, you don't know anything. I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

Perhaps you accidentally handcuffed yourself to the bed and there's no one around. But, the wife will be later. In that case you are soon to be dead. Really dead.

Perhaps you're having a conversation with your teenager. You might as well be dead for all the response you're getting. In fact, if you're talking to your teenager you belong in that jacket and rubber room.

Are people coming into your house and taking stuff? If they're not burglars,, you're dead. Why is cousin Sophie taking that old clock? Yes, you stole it from her but she wouldn't be getting it back except over your dead body. There's a clue right there.

The easiest way to find out if your dead is to jump off a bridge. If you don't drown, you're dead. if you do, you're dead. Now, there's a no-lose situation.