Alternative medicine is all the rage now. It could be a part of the New Age nonsense; it could be a return to our roots nonsense; it could be a cheaper than a doctor’s visit truism. Whatever it is, it has become the in thing.

Dewey was telling his friend, Scud, about his concept of alternative medicine.

“I believe the inhalation of marijuana vapor from combustion prevents most health issues.”

“What? Why are you talking like that? This is Scud you’re talking to. You smoke pot, not marijuana; not Mary Jane. It’s pot. You smoke it to get high. When you get high, you think you’re healthy. Man, you could have a heart attack on a pot high and not know it. Well, maybe you’d know it but you wouldn’t give a rat’s ass”, Scud told him.

Three weeks later, Dewey did drop dead from a heart attack. He was high at the time. He called 911 but lied about where he was. He didn’t want them to bring a cop and uncover his stash. He also thought it was funny, them looking for him in the wrong place. They came right to him, of course. They id’d his number and located him. They did bring a cop in case Dewey was pulling some crocky joke. The cop did find Dewey’s stash. If Dewey had come through he would have done some big time in the big house. Fortunately for him, he died.

Scud sent a marijuana plant to the funeral home.

The Brothers and Sisters of the Light had their own style of alternative medicine. The Brothers and Sisters of the Light were an spin-off of some Wiccan group. They met once a month to concoct a stew of natural things to ward off illness and bad spirits.

Sister Night-Glow added some fresh onions and carrots to the pot of bubbling water. Sister Moon-Child added some toad’s eyes and crickets. Brother Sky-High added the remains of some roadkill he found a couple of days earlier. Brother Red-Blue-Green threw in something that smelled vile but he wouldn’t say what it was. Sister Autumn-Leaves spit into the pot repeatedly. Sister Moss-Grow upchucked into the pot repeatedly although it wasn’t her intent. Everyone thought it was cool and meaningful.

They chanted some incantations for a while and then gobbled it down.

The emergency room doctor said it was as bad a outbreak of food poisoning as he’d ever seen.

“Man, I’ll tell you, they’d been better off eating arsenic. Don’t know what they did eat, they wouldn’t say, but what came up was foul, I mean, really foul.”

Albert went to Mr. Wung Wong for acupuncture to see what it would do for his back pain. Mr. Wung Wong placed about a dozen pins into Albert’s back. Albert was amazed. The pain went away. He hadn’t felt that good in years.

His second trip to Mr. Wung Wong was even better. Mr. Wung Wong put pins in his back, his arms and his legs. Albert was astounded. He felt no pain anywhere! He loved this acupuncture stuff.

He decided to try it at home despite Mr. Wung Wong’s warning. It was a warm evening when Albert stuck 200 pins into various places. Some of the old pain went away. Some of the pins gave him new pain. He decided to go see Mr. Wung Wong to get the wrong ones taken out. Then he’d know where to put the pins.

He couldn’t get dressed with all those pins in him, here and there and everywhere. He decided to just jog over to Mr. Wung Wong’s. Problem was, Albert didn’t live in the kind of neighborhood that you could jog around with a bunch of pins stuck in you. You really were chancing it just running around period.

The local toughs saw Albert coming.

“Oh, man”, Slicky Boy said out loud. “Man, I mean, either we got some bad stuff or we got some really good stuff. All I know is what I see ain’t real.”

When Albert got to them, they stopped him. They looked him over real good. Then they got pissed off at someone doing something they didn’t have a clue about. They decided to drive the pins all the way home.

After Albert stopped screaming and wetting himself, he thought, “Hmm, I feel pretty good.”