The Agency

The Onion put a quote on their site from the head of the EPA saying, “We’re dropping the E and the P from the EPA. We’re not for the environment and certainly aren’t protecting it”. Pretty funny. That means that they are going to be called the Agency. The Onion may think it’s just a good joke but the guys and gals at the real Agency don’t. Not by a long shot, which is an option they’re considering. They’re hopping mad.

“We’re the Agency!! Who is that clown sissy at the EPA think he is!!”, one CIA operative screamed.

“He may be was soon enough if the President will sign off on this ‘terminate employment and send flowers’. We’ll call him a terrorist. That’d do it”, another agent said very calmly as she finished typing the draft of the “snuff him” order.

I know, you think they call themselves the Company. They used to, back in the fifties and sixties. In Southeast Asia, they actually made a profit running guns and drugs. They’re the only federal department, aside from the IRS, to ever do that. The IRS, of course, has a blank check to do whatever it wants. Fact is, the CIA did too...then.

Naturally, when we quit Vietnam, that put an end to the Company activities there. Of course it didn’t. They still had a mess of guns and drugs to get rid of. The Commies, having won, no longer wanted them doing this since the only enemies were anti-communists. They also didn’t want their soldiers getting addicted to drugs. God only knows who they’d shoot at then. The Politburo had a list of people they wanted shot but they weren’t on it.

Eventually, the Company ran out of guns and drugs and started looking around for something else to do and somewhere else to do it and someone else to do it to. Then Congress got a burr up it’s butt about assassinations, sanctioned or not, drug dealing, gunrunning and spying. All the things the Company was good at. What got Congress all in an uproar was the Company was doing it here in America.

As one Senator said, “It’s one thing to kill or get some foreigner addicted, but not in my district.”

After all the speech making and muckraking and posturing, Congress pretty much emasculated the CIA...or so they thought. Soon, they began to hear about The Agency. They asked the FBI to look into it. They started too and then backed off. Then the CIA was asked to look into it.

“With what?”, the Director of the CIA asked.

The Agency grew into a monster. It had no charter, no rules and no budget. With no budget, Congress couldn’t touch them. With no rules, the FBI wasn’t about to touch them or admit they existed. They were like a second Mafia. The President. who knew they were there, didn’t care as long as they weren’t planning to pop him.

The came Sadaam Hussein. He loved the Agency. They brought him customers when the UN banned oil sales from Iraq. They gave him lots and lots of guns. The even gave him a discount. They also believed what he said about WMD’s. In their hearts and souls they were confirmed believers. Not their souls, since they didn’t have any, but their hearts or what passed for a heart. They bought right into it.

Worse than that, they told the President. Senator Kerry and Hillary about it. Now all three were hopping mad. Problem was, only Bush could actually do anything to Sadaam. Naturally, when he did, Kerry had to vote for the war even though he voted against it. It was if the Agency wrote that speech for him.

Now Congress and the President are going to take control back. No more Agency as they know it. As one guy, near retirement , said, “Man, in the old days, they would never had tried this. Although, if they did, and they got me to do it, I suppose I could have made it happen. Then I could have taken a contract to make it unhappen. I could have made a career on this baby”.