There was an article in this morning's Post&Courier about a shooting in downtown. According to the police report, an as of yet unidentified man, was standing on the corner of King Street and Meeting Street when a pickup trick drove past. Several dogs in the bed of the pickup began to bark, whereupon the unidentified man drew a gun and fired four shots at the truck.

Three of the shots hit the two men riding in the truck, causing them to crash into a pole. They were ejected right through the windshield. Emergency Medical personnel rushed them Roper Hospital. The police said the gunshots wounds were minor and the accident injuries were superficial. The shooter had left the scene before the police arrived. A witness described what happened.

“A couple of dogs barked at some guy and he shot at ‘em”

The Animal Control officers notified the ASPCA to come and take possession of the dogs.

Okay, they needed a filler and I suppose it was better than: "Demonstration in Bagdad turns bloody as 100 Bagdaddies were injured and scores of others were bagged by the military". Who cares? This story was at least local.

Meanwhile, back home, I'm not buying the story as written. It's a nothing story. Here's what went down downtown.

Hippity Hopitty was waiting for his dealer when this tatty, beat-up, ancient pickup rolled by and two dogs riding in the back barked at Hippity Hopitty. They really let out a howl. They sounded like a pack of wolves jumping a herd of sheep. Hippity Hopitty liked to jump out of his skin when he heard that. He thought he might have shit himself too. He got real pissed off, real pissed off.

"Sheeeet, ain' no honky, gray-meat dawg gomm bak a Hippity Hopitty "

He pulls out his gun and popped four at the dogs. He wanted to save two for the dealer in case it went down wrong. That happened a lot to Hippity Hopitty since he was usually busted but required the drugs. He’d pop the dealer, if the need arose, and then steal his drugs and his money. Then he’d buy more drugs from a dealer who wasn’t stupid enough to show up without help. Hippity Hopitty was cleaning up the streets and upgrading the DNA pool at the same time.

Naturally, the experienced dealers wouldn't fall for that. They'd tell him to be at a certain dumpster, at a certain time, and put the money, in an envelope, next to the dumpster. Then he was to put both hands on his head and wait. After a while, Hippity Hopitty would feel a sawed-off shotgun at the back of his head. He'd be told that if he so much as coughed both barrels would go off and he'd never need to cough again. Then the dealer would take the money, count it and tell Hippity Hopitty to wait while he went and got the goods. Sometimes Hippity Hopitty would wait and not get the drugs. Since he was a rip-off artist, he figured that was just life. He knew too that if he bitched about it, he’d be headless.

Hippity Hopitty missed the dogs but got both the rednecks in the cab. Well, he got them in the head actually. Despite the police report, one, or both, of them was driving at the time. The gunshot wounds, after the doctors talked to them, were considered inconsequential because they were headshots. The accident injuries were superficial since they were born looking that way. The doctors said they’d love to see their DNA chain...or maybe not.

Hippity Hopitty figured the cops would put the blame on him, if they spotted him, since he was black and the guys he shot were rednecks. It's always the black guys fault, always. The rednecks didn’t do anything and the dogs were allowed to bark at anyone they wanted to, especially if they wanted to bark at a black man. He left. The witness couldn't give a good description.

"Kinda dark, ya know?"

"The shooter or the corner?", the cops asked. The Animal Control officers called the ASPCA to come get the dogs. When the ASPCA got there, the Animal Control officers had decided they weren't going to collar these two brutes. They asked the cops to get them. Two Wyatt Earp types said they do it and strutted over to the two dogs, swaggering and chests all puffed out. Dogs don't have what humans call creative powers. They can't imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, leaped and was a little low. He hit the cop in the crotch and snapped off a set of balls. The other dog, Hey Othah Dawg, hit where he aimed. Unfortunately, for the dog, this cop had boobs that went way out. Hey Other Dawg hit her in the boobs and ripped off a nipple. Then they both took off.

The police said that they were to be considered, "armed and dangerous. Citizens should not try to apprehend them but notify the police. Not the Charleston Police since we aren't going near those bad boys".

Officer Revenal told Officer Wentworth that he knew, just knew, Hippity Hopitty was the shooter.

"Man, we got the bullets. I'm gonna frisk him every chance I get. He either has to get a new gun or I have him", Revenal told Wentworth.

"Who'd be stupid enough to keep carryin' a gun that was hot?", Wentworth asked.

"Who? Hippity Hopitty, that's who. The guy's stupid, real stupid. Ain't gonna be no chump-change concealed weapon charge. He's gonna do big time, this time".

Over at Roper Hospital, after the doctors found out that the two ER patients looked like they did all the time, released them. The bullets wounds were minor, they were headshots. They shook their heads and thanked God they had better genes than that.

"I'd like to see the genetic codes of those two. I'd bet even money it isn't human", one doc said.

The two victims, Riley and Harper Lee, were pissed off. Lost the truck and lost the dogs. Pappy was going to be raisin' Hell with them for sure.

"Ah'd like ta find the bastahd thet dun shot us. Caused us ta wreck Pappy's truck and lose his'n dawgs", Riley said.

"Us'n? Ah weren't doin' no drivin'. Ah was doin' some ridin'. Yah be the one whet wrecked the truck an' lost them dawgs. Pappy goin' a skin ya fer thet. Don' go tryin' a blame none a this ahn me, ya heah?"

"We'uns brothahs. Brothahs gotta stick tagetheh".

"Pappy gonna take a big ole stick and whomp ya hahd, thet's whet. Ain't gittin' mah hahd whomped cause ya wrecked his truck"

"Ah was shot in tha hahd! Ah didn't do et deliberate like".

"Wahl, yea, thet be so. Pappy hittin' yah up alongside yah had also be so. Ya hahd, not mine".

Back at Roper Hospital, the doctors were trying to keep the now ball-less cop from adjusting his med drip to high. He didn’t want to leave the hospital alive. No reason to. None at all. The nurse's agreed. The other officer was being attended to by a dozen doctors, all male and all trying to push their way to the front.

“Honey, I can put a new nipple on that no one could tell wasn’t real. I wouldn’t even charge you for it. I’d do it for community spirit”, one doc told her.

“I’d pay you to let me do it”, one young surgeon upped the ante. A fellow officer of the victim arrested him for solicitation. He knew what the doc meant but this cop had a thing for her. The young surgeon’s protests that he was being misunderstood got him 90 days, suspended by a merciful judge. His wife proved to be a lot less merciful, the heartless bitch.

Forensics was there photographing her injury for possible evidence. Some of the cops were photographing her injuries to add tot heir porn collection.

“Hey! You aren’t with forensics!”, she yelled.

“Uh, no, I’m, uh, his backup”, one of them told her.

“You take another picture and I’m going backup your ass with my nightstick, dickhead”, she told one of them.

“Come on, babe, how about a big smile”, one said.

“How about a 40 caliber enema, prick”, she told that one.

In another cubicle, the doctors had to sedate the ball-free cop to keep him alive. As they injected him, he asked for a triple dose.

“It’s not like I want to wake up, you know”.

After he went under the doc held a confab. One suggested sewing two marbles in and telling him they had drawn up and now dropped.

"Bullshit! Maybe if we put a couple of stainless steel ball bearings in, he might go for it. If not, let's show him how to adjust his drip", another suggested.

"Where are we going to get ball bearings?", an intern asked.

"Son, you ever heard of hardware stores? You ever heard of low man on the totem pole? That would be you", a surgeon replied.

The dogs were hiding out. First Hey Dog shared the testicles with Hey Othah Dog and then thought of their predicament. They couldn’t think like humans but they knew enough to know it was always the dog’s fault, always. Rip a nut off and it's always the dog's fault. They’d get quarantined for ten days and if they weren’t rabid, the cops would blow them away anyway. To hell with that. Time to move on. Hey Dog didn’t know that Hey Other Dog had ripped off, and eaten, a nipple and Hey Other Dog didn’t tell him, partly out of fear and partly from the fact that dogs can’t talk except in Hollywood and certain blind dates.