Carl, Mike, Dave and Ted have been friends a long time. They hang out a lot together. They fished, hunted and went to sports events. There is certainly nothing out of the ordinary about them, nothing special or extraordinary. They all worked at decent jobs, not high mucky-mucks but not shmucks either. Mike and Dave are married. Ted has never married but Carl made up the difference by marrying three times. Tonight, he was in between wives. They were meeting a Harry’s Sports Bar to eat and quaff a few beers before going to the Arena for a game.

Mike, Dave and Ted were sitting at a table drinking beer and talking when Carl arrived. As Carl made his way to their table he was greeted by just about every woman he passed. Some of the greeting left little doubt as far as intentions, availability and desire went. To say some of the greetings were extravagant would be an understatement. The ladies couldn’t keep their hands off of him.

Ted was watching this as were Mike and Dave. He turned to them and said, “I don’t get it. Nothing special about him. He ain’t got money. He ain’t no good looker. He sure ain’t what you’d call cool. So, what is it?”

Mike said, “Actually, I’ve always wondered that myself.”

Dave added, “Hell, just ask him, Carl.”

“I will, if he ever makes it over here.”

Carl did eventually get to the table. He said hello and ordered a Bud.

Ted started right away. “Man, what’s it with you and the broads? You ain’t got no money. You ain’t no great shakes as a looker and you ain’t even a little bit cool. How come the babes act like they all want to go out to your backseat with you?”

“They aren’t acting. Most of them would, if I asked them to”, Carl responded.

“Yea, well, whatever, why? What have you got”, Ted asked.

“I have nine inches”, Carl told him.

“Huh? Nine inches? Nine inches, my ass”, Ted made the mistake of saying.

"His nine inches and your ass? What's that all about?", Mike said.

"Don't start your shit, Mike", Ted said.

“Well, I don’t believe that nine inches myself, but, what the hell, how do we know?” Dave said.

“I’ve seen him and he don’t have nine inches”, Ted replied.

Mike looked at him and said, “You seen him? You’re a pecker peeper?”

“No, I don’t peek at guy’s peckers. Why the Hell would you say that for?”

Dave piped up with, “You said you saw Carl’s pisser so you must have snuck a peek.”

“No, I didn’t. I’ve pissed next to him and saw it. You know, the way you see things out of the corner of your eye”, Carl explained a little tensely.

“I’ve taken a leak next to a lot of guys and I’ve never looked at their peckers. Not once”, Mike said.

“I didn’t look! Not on purpose!” Ted said, a little loudly.

“Hey, man, keep it down. You want the whole place to know you’re a pecker peeper?” Mike told him.

“Peeker, not peeper”, was Dave’s response.

“I didn’t peek at his pecker! Why would I do that?” Ted defended himself with.

“I don’t know. I'm not a pecker peeper. Why would I know? You’re the one doing the peeping. Funny though, you being single all these years. Not saying anything's wrong, just it's strange, that's all. Now, you're talking about peeping at Carl's pisser.”, Dave told him.

"Peeking at his pecker", Mike reminded him.

“I didn’t look!”

“Then, how’d you see it”, Mike asked.

Dave popped in with, “Well, he did say ‘Nine inches, my ass’. Maybe he just turned his head.”

Dave played center in school and always wondered what people thought when the QB put his hands under him. He was always aware of certain things and sensitive to them. He wasn't sensitive to people at all.

Mike said, “Remember Clymer getting a hard-on after gym. Ha, ha, ha-”

Mike, Dave and Carl burst out laughing at this old story. Ted would have too if he hadn’t been so pissed off.

“Then”, Dave added, “ when he came out of the shower he tried to hide it with his towel and Snyder say to ‘em, ‘Most guys carry their towels with a hand, not their dick’”

This set off a new round of laughing that also didn’t include Ted.

“You guys are starting to piss me off. Damn it, all I said was he ain’t got nine inches”

“No, you said you saw his pecker. Even if it was some ‘out of the corner of my eye’ thing, so what? That’d be soft. How would you know how much he had hard?”, Mike said.

“I repeat, he did say ‘nine inches, my ass’. All he had to do was turn his head. No offense there, Carl”, Dave repeated.

“No problem”, Carl responded.

“Look, I’m sorry I brought this up. I’m sorry I’m even here. I just don’t believe Carl has nine inches”, Ted practically screamed. Now, everyone at Harry’s was looking at him.

“Will you pipe down, you asshole. Everyone’s looking at us. Man, it don’t matter. No way to prove it anyway”, Dave said.

“Actually, I can”, Carl remarked very calmly.

“Oh, hey, man, uh, I, uh, I believe you. Don’t need proof”, Dave said.

“Don’t want proof”, is what Mike said.

Carl suddenly made a horrible face as he scrunched his cheeks back. The guys thought he was having a heart attack or something. Then, Carl opened his mouth and flopped out his tongue. All nine inches of it.