A housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer were asked “How much is two plus two?”
The housewife replies’ “Four”.
The accountant says “I think its either three or four. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice “How much do
you want it to be?”
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come
before they are called will grow up to be lawyers
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said “Why are all the blinds drawn?”
The doctor answered “There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think
the operation was a failure.”
A patient goes to see a surgeon about a heart transplant. He is given the choice of a 25
year old marathon runner's heart or a 60 year old lawyer's heart. He pick's the lawyer's.
When asked why, he replies “I want one that has never been used.”
“The wireless music box (radio) has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular.” David Sarnoff's associates in response to
his urging for investment in radios during the 1920's.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C the idea
must be feasible.” A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal
“I'm just glad it will be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” Gary
Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With the Wind”.
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes
crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” Response to Debbi Fields'
idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
US Office of Patents, 1899.
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached he moved
briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Graveside Service A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa.The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say,
“Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank.”