How To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

9. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.

8. The password is "bubba."

7. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

6. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

5. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

3. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

2. The monitor is up on blocks.

And, the number one way to tell if a redneck is working at a computer in your office:

1. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look, pal, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!"

Due to budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business.

LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on official business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, air terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strongly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will only be used when and authorized for purchases in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare must be used. Example: A meeting is scheduled in San Francisco but a lower fare cab be obtained by flying to Denver - - travel to Denver will be substituted for travel to San Francisco.

MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as Safeway, Kroger, and Piggly Wiggly often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their TDY site. Copies of “How To Prepare Road Kill” will be available for personnel in a TDY status. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should frequent “all you can eat salad bars’. This especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees also are encouraged to bring their own food on TDY trips. Cans of Tuna, Spain, and Beefaroni - - along with fresh fruit can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or time consuming preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to suggest other innovative techniques in our effort to save money while meeting the desired objectives and goals of “Soldiers First”. One enterprising individual, TDY to Waco, Texas, already suggested ways of raising money during airport layover periods. In support of one of his ideas, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods.