(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'llnever go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. BlueCross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children$2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs nd large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'- David Beckham

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.'- Neville Southall

We lost because we didn't win.'- Ronaldo

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'- Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'- Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'- Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'- Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'- Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'- Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'- Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'- Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.'- Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'- Stuart Pearce

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'- Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'- Ian Rush

'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.'- Robbie Earle

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.'- Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'- Barry Venison

'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukrainians will be more European.'- Phil Neville

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'- Graeme Le Saux

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'- Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'- Thierry Henry

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'- Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'- Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'- Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.'- Vinny Jones