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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.] The wife says: Yes The wife means: No The wife says: No The wife means: No The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No The wife says: I'm sorry The wife means: You'll be sorry The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him The wife says: I'm not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important! In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam. Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
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