"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!"

"Why, what did she tell you?"

"I don't know, I didn't listen!"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. Whenasked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is lacedon my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grasswhen I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival onthe ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said:

"Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For several minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"