|Clean funny stories|
“Big Daddy” Wilkins was in that vortex after death. He felt terrific. Sure, he was disappointed , as he looked back at his funeral. No one came except one of his ex-wives, Priscilla or Patsy or something like that. Started with P. No matter , she was only there to spit on him...one last time. Well, she was good for that.
“ Big Daddy” had to laugh. He had the last laugh as it turned out. All those do-gooders with the he smoked too much and he drank too much and he whored too much and did drugs too much. Well, huh! Since he could see a light at the end of the tunnel it looked like he was going to Heaven anyway.
OK, so he was a four pack a day smoker. If the cancer hadn’t got him the liver would have. Maybe his lungs did look like a Picasso painting at the end. So? His liver was the size of a watermelon. That would have got him anyway. If he hadn’t drank at all the cancer would have still killed him. So there you have it.
Yes, he had fooled with every woman who’d have him. Sure, all the diseases made his brain a little mushy. The drugs would too. Drugs or women, he was doomed to be a mush head either way. What was he supposed to do? Sit on the porch in his underwear, drooling form the mouth, and staring off in space? He did that as it was, when he wasn’t fooling with a woman, or drugs, or drunk.
Yes, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Couldn’t be Hell. All those dead people who came back to life said so. Sure enough, it’s the Pearly Gates. Didn’t look like much. You’d think that God would have dome more with this. Maybe he put it all into the inside. Now, how do you get in?
There’s a bell. “Big Daddy” rang and waited for St.Peter to come and let him in. Hoped he wouldn’t have to wear one of those sissy robes. He rang the bell again. Finally, after ten rings, St.Peter came to the gate and asked him what he wanted.
“ I want in, whatta ya think?”
“ No. You’re in the wrong place. You were warned.”
“ Listen, you dress-wearin old coot. You let me in right now, ya hear!?”
St.Peter heard all right. He looked at “Big Daddy” for a moment. Then he told him,” Go to Hell.”
Poof! “Big Daddy” found himself sitting in the Devil’s office. Whoa! The Devil is one ugly dude. He looked nastier than some of “Big Daddy”’s drug and alcohol nightmares. That’s as ugly as it gets. Devil
“ Hello. Care for a smoke? Go ahead. You can smoke as much as you like here. You’re already dead. Have a drink, too. Your liver doesn’t matter in Hell.”
“Big Daddy” thought that the Devil was being real reasonable. Maybe he just got a bad rap from the Jesus freaks.
“ You want drugs? There a big bowl out there. I keep it full for guys like you. Indulge as much as you want.”
Wow! Hell ain’t nothing like they said. This is all right. Drinkin and drug. Need to find out about women. Can’t live without women. Can’t be dead without them either.
The Devil read his mind. “ You like women? Got all kinds here. Well, not all kinds. Just the bad ones. The kind you like. I think you’ll be very happy here.”
“ I think so too”
“ Do you want your women to beat you with a leather strap or would you prefer chains?”
“ Nah. I don’t go for that stuff. I ain’t no pervert.”
The devil looked at “Big Daddy” for a moment before he responded.
“ Uh, oh.”
There's something odd about people leaving the beach when it starts to rain.
"Quickly, kids, run for the car before you get all wet!!!", Mama yells.
The kids look at her like she's nuts. They're already wet.
There you are walking along the beach looking for shells. Everyone knows you're a tourist. The natives never do that. They buy their shells at the shell store. So you find one that's nice and white and pick it up. Then you find out it's not a shell at all. It's a dab of bird caca. The birds start screeching at you. It's a bird prank.
Don't even think of scaling a real shell at them. They have you outnumbered and outgunned, so to speak.
Never walk on the dunes. It's worse than being a Yankee in Atlanta. If you walk on a dune you will be killed instantly. No arrest, no trial, just killed. The reason is that the dune flowers are real fragile. These are the same dune flowers that survive hurricanes. Somehow the locals have decided they can't survive being stepped on.
The signs at the end of the beach access are very important. "Swim at your own risk. No lifeguard on duty; heavy undertow; sharks known to be in the area; people pee in the ocean. Have a nice time!"
Beach cops are a different breed. They're all former surfers. They look silly wearing shorts and a gun. It's hard to take them seriously. Even while they're talking to you they're eyeing the girls up. They ride little tractors. When giving chase on one of those they can catch you if you're an eighty year old quadriplegic.
The girls are odd too at times. They waltz down to the water wearing next to nothing. They swing everything they have in every direction and then wonder why you're looking at them. Hint: I'm not dead. Another hint: I will be if the wife sees me looking.
The guys are no better. They walk around sucking their gut in so hard they pass gas the whole time. Then they wonder why the girls keep their distance. Occasionally one of them lights a smoke and blows himself up. The girls get a kick out of that.
"Hey, that was great! Do it again but not so close."
Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite You
The latest controversy in the medical field is about dust mites. Medical research exists to cause controversy. There is never a report saying that , “research has proven that aspirin relieves pain”. No, the 75 million dollar grant was used to study dust mites and, dang it, something has to be wrong. So, they announce that using those expensive bed covering have no effect on allergies to mite bites.
The doctors, who have been hustling them all their careers, disagree. That’s a surprise. Think of this conversation happening.
“Jimmy, I have something to tell you. You may not, stop staring at my nurse’s chest and listen. I know you had a severe control problem when, okay, nurse, you’ll have to leave. Jimmy, the lobotomy was the choice I thought was best. Turns out it wasn’t. According to a study at the Haitian Technical School, a drug would have done the same thing. I’m sorry. Can’t put the brain piece back in. Heck, probably went into some sausage. Sorry”.
Regular people have always known that medicine wasn’t science or art. They always knew it was bunk. Take Mrs. Igotaman and her friend, Mrs. Ladidah.
“So, I bought those sheets. They’re wonderful. Now when I get up to pee at midnight there’s not a bite on me”, Mrs. Igotaman tells her.
“Yes, dear, but in the morning it's the same.”
“But not at midnight. I swear by them”.
Dust mites are more commonly called bed bugs. Since you spend more time in bed than any other single space it’s the place to be for a dust mite or the right kind of wife. They feed off discarded skin. With the tossing and turning and, in some cases, other actions, there is a lot of rubbed off skin to eat. They exist in couches, chairs and carpet but these ones usually have a shorter life span and are deformed. Sort of mutant mites.
No one is real sure what dust mites drink. They don’t go very far since it would take forever for them to get anywhere. They must exist on whatever fluids they come across. There does seem to be a correlation between the population of bed bugs and those who wet the bed or drool.
There has been no research on what the dust mites actually do since they are invisible and hard to test in a lab. It’s believed they act on pure instinct since their brain could only have three or four cells.
These medical research teams have billions of brain cells. They only just use three or four.
Our Neighbor Hermie
Hermie provides the neighborhood entertainment. He’s not aware of this. He thinks he's just a popular guy. He is. He’s popular because he’s always good for entertainment. Hermie causes the folks to sit out front instead of out back. Sit out back and you might miss something and only hear about it. That’s never as good as seeing or hearing it firsthand. It’s still good, just not as good.
We live in a nice, quiet neighborhood. It’s part of the city but not part of the city. It looks like Charleston but it isn’t. To our south is the main business area of Charleston. Malls and shopping centers and restaurants of all kinds. West and east is all residential. The north is a marsh. I no longer refer to it as a swamp or a stink hole. That offends people here. It’s true but they prefer to pretend it isn’t.
Walk in it and you get fluff mud on you, not slime. It’s, “the smell of nature”, not swamp gas. Smells the same as swamp gas, though.
I stood on my porch the other evening when I saw a couch coming down the street. It looked like a couch on wheels. I could see, barely, Hermie’s head sticking out from around one end. Then I could see that the couch was on the hood of his car. He pulled into his driveway and yard and stopped. As he got out, I had to go over. I had to know what this one was.
“Hey, Hermie, need a hand gettin’ the couch down?”, I asked.
“Why, yea, that’d be nice”, he answered.
The couch was heavy but we got it down okay. As we cleared the front of the car, Hermie let go. The couch hit the ground and I felt like I’d been hit. I set my end down as gently as I could. We stood there for a second when I asked Hermie, “Hermie, you had this couch on the hood. Why not the top or trunk? You didn’t even have it tied down”, I said.
“Huh? No need to tie ‘er down. This thing weighs a ton. It weren’t goin’ nowhere. You know about that pressure thing the smart guys are always talkin’ ‘bout. I figured that’d hold it on the car. Heavy as it is, I didn’t feel like liftin’ it up to the roof. Besides, it might dent the roof. The trunk, now I thought about that one. I decided not to ‘cause I wouldn’t be able to see behind me unless I craned my neck way around. This way I only had to stick my head out the window”.
Oh, okay, that makes sense.
Hermie got cited for a zoning violation for having a truck sitting in his backyard, on blocks. His solution was to move it to his front yard, on blocks. He got cited again.
“What am I supposed to do?”, he asked Old Lady Ravenal, his next-door neighbor.
“Well, Hermie, you could get it fixed, off those blocks and running”, she told him, hoping it would get running out of the neighborhood.
“Yea, guess I could”, he told her. It’s still there.
Mean dog He got a big dog once. He told us all that it was being abused by it’s owner so he took it. The owner didn’t know he took it. He also told us the dog was a mean one so don’t try to pet it and don’t walk our little dogs too close to his yard. The dog howled at everything that moved, including the wind. We told Hermie, nicely, that this dog was a pain in the butt. Hermie just laughed until the dog bit him. Bit him a good one. Haven’t seen the dog since.
I’d hate to see Hermie move- sort of.
Don't Ever try this
You've heard people say, "Couldn' do nothing. He had me in a bear hug". There's a reason for that saying. When you're out in the woods and see a bear stay....away from it. It's not just a larger version of your old teddy bear even if it looks and smells the same. Go over and hug that bear and it'll hug you back. It will also break your back. Don't do it.
Most snakes are harmless rodent eaters. They slither around not bothering anyone. If a snake sees you it usually slithers away. It's considered great fun to pick up a snake and play crack the whip with it. Yea, it is. Every now and again you find a snake that isn't harmless and doesn't like to play crack the whip. What it does is curl back and bite you. Since these idiots who play crack the whip with snakes don't carry anti-venum serum, they die. Some fun, eh?
Bear in mind that squirrels in the wild are not the same squirrels you see in the park. They don't come up to you and wait for a handout. In the wild keep be sure to remember that a squirrel is a rat with a bushy tail. You wouldn't try to apprach a rat so don't try to approach a squirrel.
Wolverines even scare the bears. They are mean and nasty just to be mean and nasty. That's when they're in a good mood. In a bad mood, you don't want to be in the woods with them. You sure don't want to be teasing them. They are the world's greatest fighters. We should have airdropped a bunch of wolverines on Iraq. It would have been a one day war.
As you're walking along you knock a spider's web down while watching a bear steal honey from a bee hive. You've made one mistake and are about to make a second one. You see the bear eating the honey and the bees, while buzzing around, don't seem to be doing anything about the theft. Don't seem to be.
The fact is that they are stinging the bear like crazy. It's just that the bear has a thick hide and really doesn't care. So, after knocking the web down, and waiting for the bear to get his fill of honey, you try it. Well, your hide isn't that thick. You manage to get away from the bees only to run into the spider who's web you knocked down.
Spider The spider lives there. He works there. It's how he supports himself. You destroyed his whole way of life. So, he bites you. Since most honey-stealing,bear hugging,snake whipping, wolverine teasing, squirrelly idiots don't carry anti-venum serum, they die.
Remember this the next time you go walking in the woods. Leave nature alone. How mankind ever made it without getting rid of the idiot gene is a wonder.
The Beach Patrol
Mrs. Quinby had the beach patrol. She was the self-appointed guardian of her little strip of beach. She and her husband had worked hard to buy this place and no one was going to mess up her beach. She patrolled it three times a day in the cooler weather. She used to patrol it three times a day in the summer before the heat stroke did her in.
“Hey! Hey, you! You, with the dog. He just did his business! You have to clean it up!”, she yelled.
“You talkin’ to me, lady? I didn’t do it so I’m not cleaning it up”, came the reply.
“It’s your dog!”
“Listen, you old biddy, you want it cleaned up you talk to the dog. I gotta warn you, though, he’s mean, he’s a Doberman, and he hates nosy old ladies. Got it?”
“You clean it up and don’t give no sass. I raised eight kids and took no sass. I’m not about to take any from you.”
“OK, lady, I warned you. Growl , Deathray.”
The dog growled. Mrs. Quinby looked at him and didn’t flinch. She stared at that dog. The dog growled a little more. Then he looked around . Then he put his head down and his tail between his legs.
“Make sure you get it all, sonny”.
Throw a cigarette butt down would get your butt in a sling for sure. Mrs. Quinby was hell on cigarette butts.
“Hey, you! Would you throw a cigarette butt down in your living room?”, she asked one offender.
“No. I also wouldn’t allow you in, so what?”
“OK, I see now that you’re stupid and have a smart mouth. A couple of my kids tried that until I taught hem different. PICK IT UP, NOW!!!”
Holy Moley! The guy had a flashback to his own mother. He picked the butt up and almost wet his pants. Maybe he did wet his pants. Can’t tell with swim trunks, can you? That guy never smoked at the beach again. She was good for his health too.
She did run into some problems though. Some people ignored her when she yelled about something. Some people listened and then ignored her. Some people listened and then gave her the bird. She felt she wasn’t getting the kind of respect for her efforts that she should. It was time to ratchet the duty upwards. It was time to start arresting litterbugs.
“Hey, you! I saw you throw this can away on the beach, litterbug. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”, she told one guy while holding the soda can with a stick. She didn’t want to mess up the evidence. She told the guy she was going to get her car and he was to follow her to the police station. She got the car, pointed to the right and drove to the station.
When she got there she found she was alone. Escape? Failure to obey a police officer? Well, she wasn’t a police officer so the littering would have to do as soon as the real cops found the guy.
Sgt. Pearson had desk duty. He liked being an Isle of Palms policeman. The Isle of Palms didn’t have any crime. The only reason they carried guns was to keep the tourists from laughing at them. He saw Mrs. Quinby coming. Oh, no, not today. He looked around and saw Patrolman Willis “Bigsurf” Hadley standing there.
“Hadley, take the desk for a minute.”
“Sure thing, Sarge.”
Mrs Quinby was disappointed that the sergeant wasn’t there. She explained what happened in great detail. Hadley didn’t know what to make of her. he knew her by reputation, of course, but had never actually dealt with her before.
“Tell you what, Mrs Quinby. I’m going to put out an APB and do a personal patrol. I expect we’ll find this guy and throw the book at him. How’s that?”.
“Shouldn’t you be writing this down?”.
“Nah, I got a memory like you wouldn’t believe. Besides, you don’t really have much to go on. A van and the guy looked a little bit like Robert DiNero. Trust me, I’ll give it by best shot.”
Mrs. Quinby was disappointed to say the least. She went home and talked to her husband about it. He was disappointed too. He was hoping the cops would get tired of her and arrest her. Maybe they’d get her committed somewhere for a while. Anywhere .
“So, I think I need to go another step. I want your .357 Magnum.”
Be happy or not. Men are men and you aren't going to change certain things.
1. Men don't put the seat down. Some men don't because they are unthoughtful. Most men don't because they really never think of it.
2. Men don't give change back. Send a man to the store with a twenty and he gets ten-ninety back in change it's his money. If you don't ask for the change you won't get it.Men don't ask for directions because they know where they're at. If they know that they can always find a way to someplace else.
4. Men always bring the groceries in with one trip. Why make two trips?
5. Men spit. If a man sees a sidewalk or a blade of grass he spits. Don't know why; just know he will.
6. Men don't see anything wrong with passing gas. When around women, they don't admit it. When around men, they brag.
As soon as someone sees a spider there’s a lot of screaming, screeching, hollering, hollering and running away. A woman will swat the spider with whatever’s handy, wipe the mess up and toss it in the garbage. It’s a human obsession not shared by spiders. Spiders don’t bother humans unless the human bothers them. After all, they can only eat so much human before it rots.
The Black Widow will lay about a thousand eggs, most of them eaten by other spiders. There’s no real solidarity or scruples among spiders. It’s every spider for itself. Seems a little bit cannibalistic but there you have it. Black Widows also eat their own young. The young Black Widow learns very early not to sass mommy. The young Black widow never sasses mommy twice. That’s a fact.
The Black Widow spins a very strong web. Then she hides in the corner waiting for an insect to get stuck. Then she covers it with some kind of goop and lets it marinate for a while before eating it. One of the fun things in life is too filch the round piece of goop and annoy the spider. The advice here is to be quick and then stay well clear of the area for a long time. The Black Widow has a good memory and no sense of forgiveness.
The Black Widow has a very sinister reputation. Sure, if you disturb one by, say, looking at it, the Black Widow gets offended and bites. It is venomous and, in some cases, can be deadly. In fact, there’s one case where it’s always deadly. Sex. As soon as the male is done, and before he can light up that cigarette, the Widow kills and eats him. That something very few human females do. It also shows that a male Black Widow is as smart as dirt. That’s something human females agree on with Black Widows.
The Black Widow has an hourglass figure women would kill for. That may be the attraction that the male has for the female. It’s the real fatal attraction if there ever was one. It’s a true one-night stand for the male. He doesn’t even get a chance to go to the bar and brag. He just becomes so much natural fertilizer.
You hire an exterminator to get rid of the pests, especially the savage Black Widow. You pay anywhere from 75-300 dollars for this guy to spray what he says is a long-lasting pest control. After a couple of days you look around and see a lot of dead insects. You might see a couple of dead birds too. They weren’t bothering you but they’re still dead. Is that a dead squirrel? Yes. Well, too bad.
What you don’t see is a dead Black Widow. Isn’t that a nice feeling?
From the Net:
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer :
You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.