Men- You Lost The Day You Were Born
Men have this tendency to look back on their life and feel ungratified. That’s why there are so many grumpy old men. That’s also why men don’t worry about losing their memories. They want to lose them. Set your goals a little lower, or a lot lower, and you’ll be content with your life. The problem is that far too many men set their goals too high.
Forget this crap about being a world famous brain surgeon. One, you’re not smart enough. Two, you don’t like the sight of blood. Three, and this is the biggie, there are no world famous brain surgeons. Sure, some are notable among brain surgeons. A few are well-known to their patients, the ones that live and have some usable brain left. Otherwise, the general public doesn’t know or want to know who’s good and who’s not. The public thinks a lot of the people they know need a brain surgeon, but not them.
You aren’t going to make it big time in sports or entertainment. Your sister can outrun you. In fact, she can beat you up and you’re the older brother. Your parents tell you to keep the noise down while you shower and the high school play director offers you the part of “stagehand”. Daydream all you want but get on with your real life which will be humdrum, if you're lucky.
Keep in mind that the woman you fell in love or lust with is not the woman you are going to marry. Social scientists call this woman “Pre-Nuptial Woman”. On her wedding day she either has a mental metamorphosis or manic molting. Whatever it is, the morning after, you are waking up with someone other than the one you marry. You wake up to this heartless bitch. You better know some quick responses or you’re going to sleep on the couch a lot.
“Why were you looking at that pretty young girl?”, she accuses you. She doesn't look at guys. She looks at you looking at girls. Her goal is to catch you doing that. Your goal is to do it without being caught. You won't meet your goals. Trust me. Denying it won’t work. Women know you were looking. Don’t hesitate or your done for. Oh, hell, you're done for either way.
“I was thinking how good those slacks would look on you”, you lie. Those slacks would look ridiculous on her but you're not stupid enough to say it.
“You liar. You were looking at the way she fills them. I couldn’t get them over one leg”.
The deadly, “Do these pants make me look fat?”. The right answer? There isn’t one. You lose no matter what you say. If they make her look fat, you're on the couch that night. If not, then do her other pants might make her look fat? To a woman, might means yes.
“No, honeybunch, they don’t make you look fat”, you lie again. Great response, or so you think. You should know better. You're always wrong and it's no different this time.
“Oh? You think I look fat no matter what? Is that it?”. See? She wins, you lose. That's it.
You also will get far less headaches than she will.
"Not tonight, honey, I have a headache." She suffers from headaches. She averages five a week unless you buy her flowers and then the headaches go away.
One nasty trick the wife enjoys is going to your mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner. You stuff yourself full of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, candied yams, salad and pumpkin pie. As you feel a belch coming on, the wife asks you, “Can I cook as good as your mom?”. Now you have to women staring at you. There is no way out of this. One woman is going to be very pissed off at you. One gives you want you want and one has a will. You notice that your dad is chuckling as he belches. Enjoying this, dad?
You won’t ever bowl the perfect game. You will always miss the last strike. Always. You’ll come this close to that promotion, this close. The fall from the roof will break both of your legs. Worse, the gutters were clear. That table you made, at twice the cost of a new one, will have one leg too short. You will never draw to an inside straight and get it. Don't even think about rolling the dice.
It all has to do with the brain; not the structure, but it's use. Women think a man's brain is located way below his head. Not true. Men use their brain differently and make it seem as if it's located away from the head. Women know this is the real truth and use it to their advantage. That's practically cheating because they are far ahead of men to start with. A four-year old female can outsmart any man. As a women gets older the gap only widens. Guys don't notice it until age fourteen or so. That's when they first learn the phrase, "that bitch".
Women will always remind you that having children is hard , painful and generally a pain in the ass; their ass, not yours. They will also remind you that it only applies to them. All child making is to you is fun, you beast.
Then there's chick flicks. You rather dry shave with a blender than go to one. You know she's going to have a lesson to be learned from it. You won't learn it. You won't even know what it is until she tells you and she will. She, on the other hand, won't go to an action flick. She tells you they're senseless special effects with no plot and make no sense. You think, yea, so what?
Men love great cars. Women love men with great cars. That would seem to be a great situation. Of course, it isn't. The guy gets a date with the perfect women; he waxes the car until sunlight blinds him; a bird unloads on it. Now what? Clean the car and be late picking her up? No, that ruins his chances. Pick her up with bird doo-doo on it? No, that ruins his chance. See, a man can't win.
Finally, you won’t beat the train to the crossing.