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Short Stories

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Gordon Accidentally Jumped Out Of An Airplane Without A Chute

As soon as the last jumper went out Gordon jumped. He thought he’d free fall for a while. He wanted to be the last to land so he didn’t want to free fall too far. When he approached the last of the jumpers he reached to pull his cord and couldn’t find it. He quickly reached to pull his emergency chute. He wasn’t wearing it. He wasn’t wearing any chute. He was up chute creek.

He wasn’t too concerned. He’d jumped before without a chute. He hadn’t jumped before without a chute with out planning it. He wasn’t worried because the method was the same. Guide himself over to someone who was using a chute and ride down with him or her.

He got next to Harmon Gleckyl. Harmon was a good friend. He then drifted in and grabbed Harmon’s leg. Harmon looked down and yelled for Gordon to let go. Gordon pointed to the fact that he wasn’t wearing a chute. Harmon kicked him in the face and Gordon promptly fell away. Oh, Harmon.

The ground was approaching faster than Gordon had ever seen it. He remembered what his instructor had told him.

“The terminal velocity of a falling human being with arms and legs outstretched is about 120 miles per hour (192 km per hour) — slower than a lead balloon, but a good deal faster than a feather! The terminal velocity of a falling body occurs during free fall when a falling body experiences zero acceleration.”

Well, it would take a while for him to reach terminal velocity. He felt better until he realized terminal also meant the end of the falling and the beginning of the thumping, bouncing and fatal end of the jump. He looked around for a big haystack to try for. It may not help but hitting the ground wasn’t going to work at all. There had been people survive but Gordon wasn’t betting he’d be one of them. Plan! He needed a plan.

He didn’t have a lot of options and not a lot of time to consider them. Actually he didn’t have any options and almost no time. He was going to hit the ground. He was going to die. He closed his eyes and prayed.

He felt himself hit and roll over. He reached out and grabbed something. He didn’t understand it. He was dead and yet he felt hitting the ground. He had instinctively reached out and had grabbed something. What the Hell? No, not Hell, Holy Something Else. He opened his eyes and saw he was still in the sky. He was holding onto a landing gear. He looked up and could see the underside of a small plane. No, this wasn’t possible. If it was he was going to buy every lottery ticket he could. He felt like the luckiest man in the world, dismissing the fact that he had jumped out of an airplane with no chute and no plan.

Casey McCasey felt something hit his plane and then felt the plane bank to the right. He knew he had cleared the jumpers. He took a quick lean over and looked at the wing. It looked okay except for the legs sticking out below it. That was causing the plane to bank. O’Casey quickly banked to the left to equalize this . Then he thought about the legs. What did I hit? Who did I hit? How? I know I was clear of the jumpers. Crap.

He decided to bank hard left to see the wing better. There’s a man hanging on to the struts. There’s the problem. What the hell was this? The man was waving at him and McCasey waved back before he realized the absurdity of the situation. He knew he couldn’t land with that guy hanging on to the wing. He’d crash his plane. It wasn’t paid for yet. He made a logical decision. The guy had to get off the wing. He couldn’t very well climb into the plane so he had to be thrown off somehow. He simply had to go.

McCasey started to do some turns, height adjustments and a total flip. He banked hard left to see the guy still holding on. He started looking for a electrical pole. It would take some good flying to clear the wire while knocking this guy off. Better yet, a cell tower. He could fly at ninety degrees and knock the unlucky dude off without harm to his plane. He felt bad for the guy but life’s a bitch. For this guy, a real, total bitch.

Gordon was holding on for dear life. He couldn’t understand what this pilot was doing. He must be drunk or a bad flier. Gordon also didn’t know what good he was doing holding on. The plane couldn’t land with him under the wing and he knew he couldn’t get on top even if there was anything to hold on to. He wasn’t about to let go though. He soon realized this flier was trying to shake him off. Well, Gordon didn’t see any advantage to him with that and gripped the strut even tighter.

McCasey looked to see that his fuel was getting low. He figured he’d have to land with this guy hanging on. He might not crash. He hoped killing this dummy wouldn’t raise his insurance. Maybe he could sue this guy’s family unless he was charged with manslaughter. Maybe he could claim he hit a cow when he landed. There wouldn’t be much difference between a pile of cow mess and a man’s remains after that kind of landing. No one- nah, the coroner would probably be able to tell the difference.

Gordon looked at the pilot when he tried to fling him off with steep left bank. The pilot flipped him the finger. Gordon flipped the pilot a double finger.

Oh, shouldn’t have done that.


It Doesn’t Snow Here In The South So What’s That White Stuff?

Southern Snow

I moved South about 20 years ago. I did it solely to get away from the cold and the snow and the ice and the blizzards. I thought I could add to my life expectancy doing that. I’d had my share of 360’s and backsliding. Sometimes a 360 stops at 360 and you’re okay. Sometimes someone wins the lottery but it’s never you. You’re always a number short across the board.

I was very happy with move. In 2010 we got a warning of snow. I snorted. I got up the next morning to see what it amounted to. I’ve seen frost heavier than that snow. I snorted and went back to bed. My wife asked how bad it was. I snorted at her. She told me not to ever snort at her or I could sleep in the other bedroom.

I got up later when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw the little girls from next door standing there. They asked if they could get snow from my yard. They wanted to build a snowman and didn’t have enough snow in their own yard for that. I told to go ahead. I then decided to be Mr. Good Neighbor. I told them they’d be better off making snowballs. I gathered some snow and showed them how to do it.

“Gee, mister, that’s nice. What do you do with this?,” one asked.

I told her that you threw it at something. I didn’t realize the something they’d think of was me. I ducked the first one. I ducked right into the second one. Out-smarted by a couple of first and second graders. It wasn’t like I could make one and throw it at them. Their parents might be watching. I did the only dignified thing, “Very good, girls. You ought to take one into the house and throw it at your parents.” I went back inside. That was it except for the local paper saying we were having an “Arctic blast.” Maybe not.

My wife told me recently we were supposed to get 3 inches of snow. I gave her a look she didn’t care for but couldn’t really prove meant anything. I was thinking she was watching the weather channel talking about some place in the North. A covering I might have bought but 3 inches was goofy. I thought she was being gullible. Three inches my butt.

I woke up to 5 inches of the damn stuff. I took my dog out first thing as usual. She sank up to her head. She’s a chiweenie and has no height at all. This was her first snow and she gave me such a pitiful look I had to go out and kick a spot open for her to piss. She came in and ran to the bedroom. I put her on the bed and she dived under the covers with my wife. She ran from me the rest of the day.

I went out to make my coffee and tried to think my way out of what my wife’s going to say when she wakes up and looks outside. To my surprise and relief she said nothing but had an amused look on her face. I really hate that.

Charleston doesn’t handle change well. Snow was something they had heard of but never experienced. I’m not sure they didn’t think it was another Yankee trick. The first day we had 900 accidents. I thought they were as stupid as someone skying for the first time with no instructions. I think they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. I also think they didn’t have a clue what happens when you drive in snow and ice. I also thought they were too dangerous for me to drive with. I don’t work so I said, “To hell with it”.

I admit I’m no Nanook of the North but if I have to slide out of my driveway I know I don’t belong on the road. I mean down here in the South. Up North it’s not a big deal. You simple watch you angles of slide and make the proper adjustments. We used to have accidents but only accidentally. We knew what we were doing although it didn’t look like it. It got that the cops wouldn’t come out for as accident.

“Umm, you guys work it out. You’re both at fault if we come out. Keep it civil and don’t call again.” This was the State Police telling us that.

I watched the local channels describing the overly dangerous road conditions and warning people to stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary. Well, don’t throw a steak at a lion and don’t poke a bear in the butt with a stick and don’t tell a good ole boy not to drive on the roads. You could hear the trucks cranking up. None of them got much farther than their neighbor’s yard. It did help to clear the street a little bit. A few managed to make it to the main road before sliding away. We even had a firetruck slide off. Fortunately, the roads were too slick to get any real traction so no one was hurt. I went out the next day and looked at the havoc the snow had brought to us. I, of course, know how to drive in bad weather. By the time I got out on the roads the Southerners were all either wrecked or staying home. When I got back home my wife asked me why I went out.

“To show people how to drive in this stuff.” I went out to show off. I did a couple of great 360’s to impress the locals. They appreciated it by waving at me with a finger. I did a 180 to go back home. Scared the crap out of oncoming traffic. Don’t know why since they were only idling down the road. Sometime they were going straight and sometimes they weren’t. It was all the same to me since I expected no different.

A week later, with dry roads, people were still asking on Facebook if the roads were open. I’d always respond with “Not for you. Not for you.”

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 That Child Within

The Rob Saga
The Rob Saga is available as an ebook and in paperback.. It is available at Createspace and Amazon.

There are people living on the edge in what is called Appalachia. They're called ridgerunners, rednecks, hillbillies and backwoods mountaineers. No one thinks of them very often. They don't earn much to society's standards.They stay where they are because they love the area. They are hard workers when they have work and self-sufficient to an extent not known to "outsiders." They are also very funny; they have a great sense of humor about themselves.

They are the salt of the earth and the backbone of America. Their stories are America's stories. These are the stories Of Appalachia.

Book is available as an e-book or in paperback.
See a preview.

Appalachia Again

More stories of the people of Appalachia.

More of Joe Bob, Bubba and Earl, Mosh Henry and all of the rest of the good folks in Wabash County.

Book is available as an e-book or in paperback.

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Funny Stories Don Roble
Funny Stories
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Funny Stuff To Read OnThe Commuter Bus, Train, Plane, HOV Lane.- paperback

Funny Stuff To Read OnThe Commuter Bus, Train, Plane, HOV Lane.



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