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Lester and Gomer were sitting at the bar at Moonie's Grill. They were drinking beer, eating free peanuts, and passing gas. Lester and Gomer were considered to be either dumb or stupid. That was based mostly on what they would talk about. Like this.

"Say, there, Lester, you heard about the dude that found a chicken head in his box of wings?"

"Yea, I heard that. He was fussin' something fierce. I don't get it", Homer replied.

"Was the head cooked?", Lester asked.

"Sure. It was fried."

"You're right. Why was he fussin'?"

"Must be one of them 'gourmet' sissies. Heck, ain't much meat there but , heck, ain't that much on a neck neither."

"Well, if I were a bettin' man, and I am, I'd bet ya he wouldn't eat no chicken neck neither."

"No bet. Heck, I've eaten stuff in here I don't know what it was."

"Yea, and don't rightly wanna know neither."

"Oh! Excuse me there, Lester. Didn't mean for that beer to come back up and get on you."

"Whatta ya mean?"

"Lester, I done throwed up on you!"

"Yea? Yea, ya did. Didn't rightly notice it."

Moonie wiped the bar up and thought that these two were chickenheads.

The Hellcat

It was a typical, small town neighborhood. Trees, gardens, flowers, squirrels, chipmunks, cats, mice, and dogs. Then Satan moved in.

Satan looked like any other cat. Whether it was a he or a she wasn't known. No one had the nerve to look. The mice disappeared. This was good. Then the squirrels and the chipmunks were gone. That was a little unnerving. When the dogs disappeared the neighborhood became very afraid.

Satan hung around wherever he, or she, pleased. Mostly at George and Annette Cooper's house. They sure missed their dog. The cat would sharpen his claws on trees. Every tree in the neighborhood was barkless three feet up. Then some of the siding got ripped.

"George? This Hank Peters from up the street. Your cat flattened all four of my tires."

"Hank, that's not my cat."

"He lives with you."

"No, he lives where he wants to. How could he flatten your tires? He, or she, is a clever little devil but, come on, your tires?"

"The hellcat shredded them. There's nothing left but a pile of rubber."

Folks started keeping their kids indoors.

"Can I go outside and play, mommy?"

"What?! Go to your room, you smartmouth. Wait until your dad gets home. Maybe he can take you outside. If he has any ammo for the gun."

People not only kept their doors and windows locked but some put barbed wire around their porches. Electrical fencing was a popular thing too.

The local animal catcher was called in eventually. He didn't disappear but he did resign. He also developed a twitch and kept turning his head from side to side and front to back. He moved away after a while.

The neighbors had a meeting and decided to kill the cat. No argument- that cat had to die.

They shot him; they poisoned him; they ran him over with a truck. He was also Rasputin. He didn't die. In fact, it all seemed to bore him. That was why he probably left. Boredom, sheer boredom.

Cattle Talk

It was a bitterly cold morning when Old Farmer Brown let the cattle out for exercise after being cooped up in the barn for a couple of days. He didn’t so much as let them out as drove them out. The barn was cold but outside was even colder. The cattle weren’t too thrilled be going out. The ground was frozen, with just enough snow to make it slippery. Cattle have four legs to try to keep up. The cow patties were hard, which was good. Their breath was visible, which was bad since it showed how cold it was.

“Hey, Herman, I noticed that my breath is bigger than yours”, Tinkerboy said. He and Herman were standing by the gate deciding whether to move out into the pasture and chance falling or stay here and chance freezing in place.

Tinkerboy rolled his large eyes before saying, “Herman, I didn’t know we were in a challenge. Well, how’s this for a big breath”.

Tinkerboy sucked in as much of the frozen air as he could and let it out. It was enormous. He wanted to brag about it but was panting too hard to talk. Herman took advantage of that and took a deep breath and let it out. Tinkerboy took up that challenge. This went on until they fell over from hyperventilating. Their last contest was releasing methane. That got them stomped on.

Smallhorn was laughing at Billybull standing in a cow pattie. Not exactly in it, it was too cold for that. Standing on it was closer to the truth.

“So?”, Billybull said, “You’re standing in three of them!”.

“Yea, but they’re my own”, Smallhorn told him, as if that made it better. He didn’t realize how fast the patties were going to freeze, stranding him outside until Old Farmer Brown noticed and freed him.

Daisy and Molly were mooing about Sally.

“She thinks she’s some sort of goddess just because she has that white diamond on her forehead and it attracts the bulls like a stampede”, Molly said.

“It’s what she doesn’t have between her ears, that’s the problem. She’s just plain stupid. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘No’. That’s why the bulls fight over her”, Daisy responded.

“Speaking of which, I caught that bratty kid of Old Farmer Brown sneaking up behind me again. I gave him a kick he ain’t going to forget for a while, the little creep. He ain’t going to be sneaking up behind anything for a good while”.

Manomano was coming down the hill yelling for everyone to get out of his way. It looked like he was free-sledding but he hadn’t planned to do it. He had planned to walk up the hill and the skating just sort of happened. He hoped he’d stop before he collided with anything but he didn’t know since he was coming down the hill backwards and had his eyes closed.

The rest of the cattle scrambled to get out of the way, slipping and sliding. That got all the calves riled up, wanting to go up the hill and try that. Their mama’s had a heck of a time controlling them. The calves were interested in drinking milk. They now wanted to slide down the hill. They didn’t want to get to an udder.

However, there were those who felt differently.

“Hey, Francisco, look at the udders on her”, Ferdinand told his buddy.

Francisco looked and stood there shaking his head.

“Ferdinand, those ain’t udders. That ain’t a cow, it’s a bull”.

Cats...Not the Musical

There are a lot of people who claim to have a pet cat. They say they own a cat. Now, either they’re lying or they’re senseless. No cat is owned and no cat is a pet. The two most popular pets are dogs and birds, both of whom are disdained by cats.

Take your average dog. He can easily be trained to sit, lay down, roll over, play dead, and beg for a cookie. Picture a cat doing any of those things. Can’t do it , can you? Of course not! There isn’t any cat going to do these things. Cats don’t do tricks. They sit on top of the couch and watch the dog go through his repertoire just to get a cookie. Not that the cat doesn’t like cookies. The cat is eating a cookie while watching the show. The cat didn’t do a trick or beg, he took the cookie.

A dog will sit in your lap as long as you want him to. He’ll let you pet him for as long as you want to. You are in control of the dog. How much control do you have over a cat? Did you say none? That’s right, none. Sure, a cat will sit in your lap. Until he wants to leave. Then he’s out of there. He’ll let you rub him until he wants to leave. Then he’s out of there. You do the begging then. It doesn’t do you any good though. The cat will just snub you.

The cat figures dogs don’t have any sense of pride. Actually, cats figure dogs don’t have any sense at all or they’d be cats instead of dogs. The cat will be sitting there thinking about jumping on the dog when the dog suddenly jumps up and starts whining. He runs from room to room looking for someone to take him out. Then he sniffs around and goes in full view of the human! No pride! A cat uses a litter box or so you think. You put fresh litter in and it gets used but you never know when. The cat has dignity and pride.

Birds are the other main pet. Kept in a cage . A locked cage. It’s the only thing a cat thinks a human does that is smart. If the cat could get into the cage, no more bird. Also, the bird has to be kept locked up since he can’t be potty trained at all. An uncaged bird makes a messy house. An uncaged bird also will go outside. So will a cat. Not a good scenario. For the bird. A great scenario for the cat. No more tweet tweet.

Cats are known as great rat catchers. Sure. It their sport. The cat will toy with the rat until it passes out. Eat it? No, no. Eat a rat? Nope. The cat drags it into where the dog is. The dog wakes up, sees the rat, runs around, and gives the cat another good show. The cat is eating a cookie not a rat.

Cats are afraid of dogs goes the myth. It is a myth. Cats run from dogs because they can’t be bothered. Yes, a dog is bigger. Yes, a dog is stronger. Yes, a dog has better teeth. A cat has claws! Corner the cat and the dog is about to get a lesson in pain. Before the dog can sink his teeth into the cat, the cat has sunk his claws into the dog. Into the dog’s nose. The dog whelps, the cat hangs on. The dog shakes his head, the cat hangs on. The dog runs around, the cat hangs on. At this point the cat is having a good time. The dog isn’t.

Squirrels. That's what cats are leery of. Squirrels. A squirrel s no match for a cat in one on one combat. The problem is that squirrels always gang up on the cat. The cat knows it and is always leery of squirrels. Just can’t resist the temptation to go after a squirrel. Sneaks up on him; creeps closer and closer; just about got him when ,wham!, another squirrel nails the cat from behind. It happens every time. The cat begins to think he’s the dumbest animal in creation.

Then he sees the dog.

Dogs Are Dumb, Cats Are Smart?

The old saying is, “Dogs are dumb, cats are smart”. No debating that dogs are dumb. The thing is, cats are too. People think cats are smart because they’re devious. That makes them look clever instead of just sneaky. A dog is so transparent in what he does. Part of that is that a dog doesn’t really worry about what you, the human, thinks of him, the “should have been at the top”. If dogs ruled, cats would be extinct. Nothing personal, dogs simply hate cats.

A dog running The cat from next door, being smart and clever, perches on my fence at night. My dog, not too bright even for a dog, goes out every night and runs the cat off. Sometimes, several times a night. It’s his personal project. It’s his sole purpose in life as far as I can tell. The cat shrieks and runs for his life. Next night it’s the same thing. Real smart. Real clever.

A cat will hunt down and kill a mouse. You know it when you find the dead mouse on your bed. It’s the fragrance that wakes you up. The dog wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t hunt to begin with, too lazy. He wouldn’t be bothered with mice, too stringy. If he did, he wouldn’t leave it where you could get it and throw it away. The dog would eat it. Maybe my dog does eat mice. I wouldn’t know and he wouldn’t tell.

A cat will lick-er, wash itself constantly. This indicates a sense of healthy hygiene. Then the cat tosses a hairball up. This indicates that, as many times as he does it, he doesn’t learn from it. A dog will eat some decomposed piece of garbage, come home, toss it up on the couch and, uh, no, he doesn’t learn from it either. Still, he’s supposed to be the dumb one.

Cat A cat can be trained to use a litter box. A dog can’t. Dogs go from newspaper to outside. Isn’t that great! Your cat uses a litter box. You sit in a house that smells like a litter box. You get used to it and don’t notice it after a while. Your pastor, a gentle man of God, notices it right away. He can’t say your house smells bad. He also can’t eat the cookies you offered him. If he did, he’d toss a hairball or whatever.

Remember, I’m writing about the normal, run of the mill, domesticated cat. Lions and tigers are different. They’re smart, clever, sneaky, tough and scary. They also don’t leave dead mice on your bed. They don’t toss up hairballs unless they’ve been eating humans again. Yes, there are wolves and dingoes and coyotes. I wouldn’t wager any money on them in a encounter with a lion or a tiger. No, that’s the wild, not your home or mine.

Lastly, cats can’t bark. Between “Meow” and “Grrrr” there’s no contest. There’s no such thing as a pit cat. No one ever puts up a sign that says, “Beware of cat”.

The Best Adhesive Ever Made

There are all sorts of super glues out there. There are glues made especially for one thing or another. The best one is that old standby- gum. Any kind of gum. Any flavor since the preparations for it's use involves chewing and that takes the flavor out anyway.

Remember way back when? Back in your school days? You'd have gum in your mouth which was a no-no. The teacher would be staring at you. As the teacher got up to come over and check you out you had two choices. Swallow it or stick it under the desktop. If you swallowed it you were constipated for a week so under the desk it went to join the ten thousand others.

If you got caught doing that you had to get the gum off. Not just the one you put on but the one your father and grandfather put on. You couldn't even chisel it off. All you managed to do was chip the chisel and gouge the desk.

Well, back to gum as an adhesive. Is there a screw loose and the hole is stripped? Yea, you could use a larger screw or wood putty the hole and go from there. You could also stick some freshly chewed gum in the hole and push the screw in. Don't even have to drill a pilot hole or use a screwdriver. Just a simple push. That screw is never coming out. Ever.

Loose arm on a dining room chair? No big deal. A small dab of gum and the arm is as solid as it was the day you bought it. Maybe more solid. No need to go into what it does for a squeaky floor.

When you see those poor folks looking at their former houses after a tornado or a hurricane you have to wonder, "Why didn't they gum the house together?" Sure, a tornado or as hurricane would move the house but it couldn't damage it. It's a lot easier and cheaper to send change of mail cards out than to rebuild a house.

Driving along a long, deserted stretch of the interstate and your radiator hose goes on you. Steam is pouring out of the hood and your thinking of the towing charge and the inevitable rip-off for a new hose. Think again. Chump up a big, huge wad of gum. Wrap that baby around the hose and you're set to go. You don't even have to put a new hose on if you don't feel like it.

Next time you see your kid chewing gum and then see that he, or she, is no longer chewing don't get into such a tizzy over it. Either you'll have to give the child a laxative or find out what's been permanently glued together.


Funny Stories by Don Roble
Funny Stories

Appalachia by Don Roble Appalachia

Poems And Rhymes Of Our Times
by Brian Cecil and Megan Cassavoy poetry



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Copyright©Don Roble...1999-2014