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They say clothes make the man. One pays more for a suit than the other pays for the whole wardrobe. Hey, it’s just a gravy stain. Why would I put a hanky in my coat pocket for everyone to see. Don’t need a hanky anyway. The sleeve works good, especially on a checkered jacket. One has shoes that shine and pants that don’t. The other has shoes that don’t and pants that do.

Dickie Bird

"You know up on the hill where they're doing all that work? Well, it's real dark up there. I was playing there when some older kid asked me if I wanted some cookies. Then he reached under his cape and-"

Learning Experience

Their house was only four rooms; they raised ten kids there, somehow. When you stood in the doorway, you could see into the parlor and kitchen and up the stairs. I had to go and went upstairs to find the bathroom. The stairs opened to a bedroom. I saw a door and figured it was the bathroom; it was a closet. I went through the room to the other bedroom and saw what had to the bathroom; it was also a closet. What's this? The bathroom was in the living room or, shudders, the kitchen?

Men- You Lost The Day You Were Born

“Why were you looking at that pretty young girl?”, she accuses you. She doesn't look at guys. She looks at you looking at girls. Her goal is to catch you doing that. Your goal is to do it without being caught. You won't meet your goals. Trust me. Denying it won’t work. Women know you were looking. Don’t hesitate or your done for. Oh, hell, you're done for either way.

Speed

“Just take those old records off the shelf”, he heard as he rolled along. Man, he thought, how can you listen to Bob Seger at 70 mph. He wasn't interested in seeing the countryside which was good because it was just a blur. At his speed the white lines became one long white line.

Whispers- What Chad Fears

He suddenly found himself covered with rats. Screeching, biting, angry rats that had a hold of him and weren't letting go. Soon, Chad was screeching and trying to tear the rats off. He was scared to death. Rats carry the plague, he thought. The Plague! That's all he needed. Actually, what he needed now was to escape. If these rats ever got him down, he was doomed.

Charlie B and the Train

Charlie B was one of them. Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn't want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did. They got away with it by saying, "No comprendo".

Vampire Bats

Little Donnie got his first pair of glasses at age four. It changed his whole outlook on the world. Now, he saw that he had only one right hand instead of three or four.

Naturally, something had to happen and it did. Some idiot got dared to climb into the enclosure with the gorilla. His friends assured him the "big monkey" had to be harmless if he was in a zoo. Yea, the moat was there to protect the gorilla from people instead of the other way around. Ivan watched the guy swimming across the moat, figuring out whether to rip his head off and play soccer with it or play snap the whip with him. Then a security guard yelled at the guy to get back up there. The guy looked relieved. Ivan scaled a pebble off the back of the idiot’s head.

Flooding

You don't actually drive the expressway unless you're in a truck. You float across it.

Attack Or Not?

Buzzard That Eats Roadkill whacked Fox That Chases Rabbits across the head with his bow. "Are you nuts? Then what? The only women that show up are the fat, ugly, hairy ones. Would you let your good-looking daughter go to one of our victory dances?"

I Love Weddings

Rick told her, "a dead man’s suit looked natural on him.”

Whispers

Mad Chad was deaf in one ear and mostly deaf in the other. He’d hear people talking in a normal tone of voice and think they were whispering ... about him.

Whispers- What Chad Hears

"I LIKE YOU TOO BUT NOT IN THAT WAY SO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME”, Chad told her. Chad didn't like anyone for any reason ever since he realized that people were always whispering when he was around. He figured they were badmouthing him. People were but not whispering about it. Chad avoided fights by pretending to like everyone.

The White Knight

Garthe got up and glared at the horse. The horse glared back. Garthe thought about his 150 pounds and the horse’s 700 pounds and thought about the apple he’d brought along as a snack. He fed the apple to the horse while rubbing his ears. Garthe had that horse purring like a newborn kitten. Garthe jumped back on the horse. The horse turned and looked at Garthe.

Winky and the Do-Gooder

Winky listened to the unbridled enthusiasm and, deciding he didn't know what unbridled meant, spat a huge wad of phlegm at the guy. The guy was too quick.

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